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As promised, the gas man came. Surprise, surprise, its never as easy in practise as it looks on paper. We'd been verbally assured that no site inspection would be required and no extra costs would be incurred, there was no conceivable reason why the job wouldn't cost what we'd been quoted.... Oh look, the standard installation includes 6m of gas pipe, we need an extra metre or so. The standard installation includes a flue that will reach from the heater into a 9' ceiling and we've got a 12' ceiling so we need an extra flue piece. All standard costs, all set by AGL so we don't get upset with Michael the gas man. Makes me wonder just what percentage of these so-called “standard installations” ever end up costing what is quoted.

Then of course there are the difficulties with installation. We have no access to the underneath of the house, and there's only about 20cm between floor and dirt anyway so it would be nearly impossible to move even if you could get in there. The tin roof means you can't lift tiles, the small eaves make something else difficult.... All part of the joys of a two-part house; part A being 106 years old and part B being 6. I think the politest comment that was made about the existing hot water heater was that if it was installed today it would be unlikely to get approval.

The pipe was slid under the house from outside. The timber studs in the wall meant a slight relocation of the heater from our preferred location. Large holes were cut in the plasterboard and much muttering could be heard in strange technical tradesman-speak.

Three times with AGL, Godwin had assured us that there would be no extra costs, and that the site inspection was not necessary. AGL and the gas fitters seem to play it off against each other. At the AGL shop its all “these are standard charges that the plumbers require, blah-blah.” When it came to signing the paperwork in the house with the plumber it was “that's a standard install from AGL for 6m and a normal flue, the extra flue and per-metre pipe are all standard charges from AGL.”

Then the plumbers drove off taking the instruction book and all the paperwork and I had to phone them to bring it back... and of course I had to clean the house where they'd spread plaster everywhere.

One of my many bicycles.

A 27" road bike purchased second hand out of the newspaper and used for many years for touring and getting around town. Eventually it was stolen in Maffra, Victoria, during the 1990 Great Victorian Bike Ride. I was not impressed with Bicycle Victoria's response to this news, their words were that since I had no bike I had to leave the ride and go home, and the general feeling was that they didn't want to know about thefts or other unsavoury activities on their big fund raiser bike rides.

One of my many bicycles.

1979-1983. A 27" ten-speed road bike. My first "decent" bike, used to and from school and university, for a brief introduction to road racing while in high school, and for several tours of the surrounding countryside. Stolen from UNSW while I was a student there, along with about twenty other bikes by some thieves who cut the lock off the "secure" bike store and loaded every bike into a truck.

On reporting to the local police station and telling them that my bike was stolen the response was “So what do you want us to do about it?” After insisting that something was written down, the police wrote out the details on the back of a brown-paper bag, I have no idea whether this was later filed, or tossed into the garbage the instant I walked out the door.

One of my many bicycles.

1976-1982. Over my high school years this gradually decomposed into what now would be called a mountain bike. Flat handlebars, 1.5" tyres, 3-speed Sturmey-Archer hub gears, it started life a shiny blue colour, but at some stage was resprayed a virulent orange by myself and a friend.

One of my many bicycles.

What Was It?

More than a mountain bike, Spotty was a legend.

Fundamentally a Technicomps Bigfoot, it's birth was a long and laborious process starting with the purchase of a fluorescent orange Bigfoot frame at a bike show and a verbal promise to transfer all the components from a 17" model to the 20" frame. During the following two months, the person it was purchased from left the shop and the two new lads wanted nothing to do with it, consequently a lot of the components mysteriously changed down in spec.

It was a 20" Technicomps Bigfoot (Aluminium) mountain bike, setup more for touring than competition or offroad use. Technicomps were an Australian company based on the Gold Coast in Queensland, and produced both frames and entire bikes. A company called Genesis now operates from this premises, also producing aluminium bike frames, a dealer in Sydney has the rights to the Technicomp name.

Where did it Go?

To many places... maybe too many places! To work, out for the afternoon, day rides, week long tours alone, week long tours with hundreds or thousands of others. See rides for additional details.

First ever ride

Home from the bike shop, then an attempt on a single track up Mt Majura (Canberra), the front deraileur hadn't been adjusted, and I hadn't checked it, one of the stop screws was tightened all the way to the limit, so the first time I changed onto the granny ring the chain came off and wedged between the cogs and chainstay. I had to take the cogs off to get it out!

Last ever ride

24-Aug-1996, Melbourne, up the old coach road from "The Basin" to Olinda near Mt. Dandenong, then, in the words of the Butthole Surfers, "Roaring like an avalanche, coming down the mountain". Down Mt Dandenong to Ferntree Gully (Melbourne). On the way home I thought that it was handling exceptionally badly. When I got home I discovered that the downtube has cracked around 50% of its circumference, just behind the weld to the headstem! And so commenced an

interesting tale

of warranties, consumer rights and long distance phone calls...

As you can see it's a very sociable bicycle and loves to meet new people, it can often be seen hanging around outside pubs while on tour, waiting to meet new and interesting bicycles.

One of my many bicycles.

14spd 700c road bike, Reynolds 501 frame, Shimano 105 equipment. 1990-present. A road bike that got very little use for many years, since 6 months after buying it I bought a mountain bike and spent all my time on that.

Possibly the world's shortest bicycle commute.

Oakleigh to Monash University, and home again. Here are some of the hi-lights and low-lights of my daily ride to and from work. The trip only takes about twelve minutes, no where near as interesting as my previous trip to Monash from Richmond!

A quick count and I've calculated that I ride along five roads getting there and an extra two coming home.

Down the side of the house, battle with the padlock on the gate, a glance back at the neighbour's orange tree silhouetted against the sky, then squeeze between the car and the fence to get to the street. Depending on skill and luck, there may be a big gap or they may be a small one! Out onto the street — usually stepping around the people who park half-blocking our drive-way — and hop on the bike.

Mill road is usually quiet, then right-turn into Haughton road at the end. Visibility not so bad, but watch out for the motorists travelling at 80km/hr in the 50 zone, they appear awful quick. Haughton road used to be a major shortcut through the suburb so Monash city council tried to traffic-calm it into unusability. I'm not sure if its had any effect on the number of motorists cutting through, but it seems to have increased their irritation.

A series of little roundabouts at every side street, together with a narrowed road and huge rough blue-stone kerbs mean that if you're riding along here, motorists can't fit past without crossing half across to the other side of the road. That's fine if they do it legally, but half the time they're in too much of a hurry and try to squeeze through when there's oncoming traffic. They simply don't fit, and there's no room to swerve out of the way of the idiots.

Yet more proof that most people have no idea how to behave on the roads is the right turn into Moroney street, forever referred to as Moron-ey street as motorists either stop dead in the road to let me turn across in front of them, or tear across the traffic island and nearly knock me off. The first lot risk being run into from behind by other motorists who foolishly expect them to be obeying the law, the second lot just can't be bothered to turn the steering wheel a little bit to the left and a little bit to the right to follow the lane markings. Every two weeks or so I come along here and the “Keep Left” sign has been flattened, with tyre tracks over the traffic island.

Left into North road, mind the traffic, two lanes heading east as fast as they can get away with. Around the corner and up to the bridge, watch out for anyone turning down the sliplane without indicating, then up and over the railway lines and a great view of the industrial end of Huntingdale and Oakleigh. Look left and you can see straight up the rail lines all the way to the CBD, ahead the sunlight reflects off a hundred factory roofs. Down and off the bridge and once again watch out for motorists who come flying up the sliplane, oblivious to both signs, “Give Way” and “Watch for Cycles”¹.

Then its just a straight run along North road, watch for the odd motorist who decides to turn left without indicating, or opens the door to let a passenger off at the lights! There's a proposal to run a cycle path along here down the middle of North road, all the way from Huntingdale station to Monash University. Various cycle groups seem obsessed about it, and in pressuring the City of Monash to build it, nobody seems to have given any thought to how cyclists would get into the middle of the road to get to the path, or in how it would be treated at each of the five or so road crossings!

Hazards

Roundabouts. Roundabouts, roundabouts, roundabouts and more flippen' roundabouts. Monash city council seems to be obsessed with putting baby roundabouts along the streets as a “traffic calming” measure. Only problem is, half half the drivers in the area seem to treat the roundabouts as speed-humps, half of them stop and treat them like t-intersections, and half of them try and either overtake me while going round, or pull out in front of me because they're bigger.

Wildlife

A world of difference to the commute along the creek and through the parks; a squashed fox in the middle of North road.

---

1. In late December 2007 VicRoads made some major changes to North road, removing the give-way sign and painting a cycle-lane diagonally across the slip-lane; thus requiring cyclists to cross across the front of motorists who drive up the slip-lane at 70km/hr without having to give-way!

Retreating back further and further into the mists of time, the bikes I have owned are:

• Trek T50
• Norky Bike
• Spotty Bike — destroyed
• Peugeot Aspin
• Apollo III — stolen.
• Apollo II — stolen.
• 26" Oxford 3spd — sold.
• Cyclops Dragster — stolen.

The first of my many bicycles!

1974-1976. My first bicycle! A present for my tenth birthday, it was stolen when I was 12 from my primary school, eventually the police recovered the bare frame in the garage of some local high-school students.

Memory is hazy, but it was yellow, had a sparkly-yellow banana seat, and a three-speed hub and dragster shift on the top tube.

For what is a day without spam?

I just had to include this. After years of waiting, I finally recieved the famous Nigerian Business Proposal scam in my email inbox.

Here, for you education and amusement, I've included the text in full.

  **Engr. WILSON OSARO**

  Treasury Department
  Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation
  Tel: +234 80 231 22537.

  PERSONAL


  Dear sir,


  I am WILSON OSARO a Treasury Officer in the Nigerian National
  Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) and a close associate of the immediate
  past Minister of Petroleum Resources.

  The Minister has mandated me to transfer the sum of US$88 millions
  recovered from an over-invoiced contracts involving the Nigerian
  National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) into several private accounts
  in Europe and United States. A total sum of US$73,700,000.00 has
  been transferred before the emergence of this present Civilian
  Administration, leaving the balance of US$14,300,000.00.

  I have made proper arrangement/documentation to transfer the balance
  which is retained in a coded account of the NNPC with the Central
  Bank of Nigeria. We are soliciting that you help us to receive the
  fund in trust. We cannot complete this transaction smoothly without
  the participation of a foreign partner who would provide an account
  where the funds could be lodged. Since it is a contract payment, the
  funds must be remitted to a foreign account. The remittance of the
  funds requires little documentation that would be completed as soon
  as you provide us with a secured bank account where you may wish to
  receive the money.

  There is no risk involved on your part in this transaction since the
  former Minister and I have covered this transaction with adequate
  contract and external credit documents from the beginning.

  What we require from you by telephone or fax are viz:

  (i) Acceptance letter of this offer

  (ii) Your company name and your confidential telephone and fax
  numbers

  (iii) Convincing Honesty, Trustworthiness and Willingness to abide
  by the requirements of this proposal paramount of which is
  CONFIDENTIALITY

  We have agreed that you will retain 20% of the entire
  US$14,300,000.00 for your effort in this transaction, 70% for us
  partners here in Nigeria and the remaining 10% will be used for
  defrayal of incidental cost in the course of this transfer.

  Please reply urgently by email,fax or telephone as above,we expect
  that the transaction will not take more than ten working days. And
  please note that this transaction must be top secret.

  Best Regards


  WILSON OSARO
  Treasury Dept.
  NNPC

One of my heroes.

A pioneer animal consevationist and much-loved author, Gerald Durrell has always been a character I have admired. The following letter was penned by him and embedded in a time capsule at Jersey Zoo in 1987.

To Whom It May Concern

Many of us, though not all, recognise the following things:

1. All political and religious differences that at present slow down, entangle and strangle progress in the world will have to be solved in a civilised manner
2. All other life forms have as much right to exist as we have and that indeed without the bulk o fthem we would perish
3. Overpopulation is a menace that must be addressed by all countries; if allowed to continue it is a Gadarene syndrome which will cause nothing but doom
4. Ecosystems are intriccate and vulnerable; once misused, disfigured or greedily exploited they will vanish to our detriment. Used wisely they provide boundless treasure. Used unwisely they create misery, starvation and death to the human race and to a myriad of other lifeforms
5. It is stupid to destroy things such as rainforests, especially because in these great webs of life may be embedded secrets of incalculable value to the human race
6. The world is to us what the Garden of Eden was supposed to be to Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve were banished, but we are banishing ourselves from Eden. The difference is that Adam and Eve had somewhere else to go. We have nowhere else to go

We hope that by the time you read this you will have at least partially curtailed our reckless greed and stupidity. If we have not, at least some of us have tried...

We hope that you will be grateful for having been born into such a magical world.

Gerald Durrell

External Links

• http://www.durrell.org/

Places to eat, places to drink, places to just sit and watch the world go by. Just my thoughts on a bunch of places I visit. The good, the bad, and the ugly...

Santucci's

Rita's happy smiling face, an eclectic mix of decorations and tasty food. It had the added advantage that it was just around the corner from where I first lived after moving to Melbourne.

Blue Heaven

A favourite Saturday-morning very-large-breakfast kind of place. The Blue Heaven Special is a delicious bagel too. I'm not sure what happened to Rayner (sp?) who I thought used to own the place.

Groove Train

... for when I want dinner and don't want to think of where to go. Comfortable, reliable and enjoyable! Seemed to go downhill gradually once the boss became an absent boss and an endless churn of staff came through.

Silvio's Pizza

No nonsense, nothing fancy. Just tasty pizza, piping hot, straight from the oven. That and a glass of the house's red wine.

Via Ponte

An Italian restaurant that opened and seemed to suddenly have been around for years. Ian did a fantastic job of making everyone feel welcome, and the food is excellent. The mix of a Spanish proprietor, Scottish chef and English waiters running an Italian restaurant just added to the enjoyment.

Sadly, I think Via Ponte has succumbed to the common blight affecting small business in Australia — failure to survive its first year. They closed for Christmas 2002 and in mid-February 2003 still hadn't opened... Latest news I've heard is that its been sold and should open “soon.” Well surprise surprise, it re-opened as a dull and boring place that didn't last long.

Da Joint

Another local. They can't seem to make up their mind whether they're a bar or a a café. The foods pretty good, but I'm put off by the distraction of two TVs, each on different channels, and a blaring commerical radio as well. The totally disinterested staff don't help either.

Rickett's Point

I don't know why I bother. Too many times I've stopped in here while riding along Beach Road. The service is usually slow, the coffee never seems to be as good as I expect, and the staff all seem to be minimal-wage casuals who don't care. I guess its a convenient location and has a good view — that's about all its got going for it.